


mess of a heart

by catboyhinata



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, No beta we die like wwx, Pining, bcuz kyoya likes to self destruct, very self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:47:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26220616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catboyhinata/pseuds/catboyhinata
Summary: A lot of nights that Kyoya spent with Tamaki were filled with a lot of rights and just one wrong.Fingers fluttering through his hair, a right.Brainstorming different club ideas together, a right.Laughing at pointless jokes and throwing harmless and playful insults, another right.Being in love with your best friend and causing them potential distress? so so wrong.
Relationships: Ootori Kyouya/Suoh Tamaki
Comments: 6
Kudos: 78





	mess of a heart

Kyoya had always grown up thinking that if a problem seemed to not have a solution, there was no point wasting time thinking it through. Eliminate and forget, his time was too precious to be spent on notions that led nowhere, on broken parts that couldn't be fixed, on hollowed feelings deep in your bones that kept you awake at night and crave for a mother's touch that wasn't around anymore. His father had made sure he remembered, but sometimes kyoya wondered if his father ever followed his own words as he sat alone on those rare nights and read through his mother's poetry when he thought no one was awake.

Kyoya realised at a very young age that love was a fickle thing. It was weak and pathetic and if one ever had the misfortune of being infected by it, it would turn them into just like it self, weak and pathetic.

He used to think people weren't aware of the pain it brings, even though he'd never felt that pain, only seen. In his father's hardened shell after mother was gone, in his sister's eyes as she married a man she's never met. In his brother's clenched fist as he smiled for his best friend as he gave his vows to someone else.

Kyoya also realised that he was wrong, people knew, they all knew how much it hurt but they let that virus infect them as if that's all they've ever lived for.

He had never understood what was going through all those people's head until he met him, until that unfortunate morning when he met Suoh Tamaki in all his too hyper and too loud and too friendly and too everything glory.

-

Sitting huddled in the kotatsu as they sipped warm tea, even before Tamaki could speak up Kyoya knew he was up to no good.

"Kyoya! mon ami! Let's start a club together."

He knew he would never know peace again.

-

Tamaki comes in like a wild fragrant gust of spring breeze and it's all okay, he's happiness and joy personified and he shines so bright he makes everyone around him a little brighter too. 

It's all fine when he comes, but it unnerves Kyoya when he doesn't leave. He stays even when Kyoya doesn't answer to his pointless talks, calls him almost everyday and shows up at his house with the kotatsu as an excuse when Kyoya shuts himself in and forgets to answer his texts and calls.

Kyoya later understands that Tamaki staying was so fucking nerve-racking because he's not used to feeling so happy all the time. It’s a happiness that’s hard to put into words, or at least at first it seemed hard.

By the the Kyoya understood it’s meaning, he was already infected.

-

“you’re in love with Tama-chan, aren’t you, Kyo-chan?”

Kyoya should’ve seen this coming, Honey senpai might look like he only functions on a sugar rush, but his eyes often see more than Kyoya wants him to; so Kyoya accepts defeat and nods slowly.

“Seems like it” His voice almost sorrowful, Tamaki would whine so much if he knew Kyoya found this love a nuisance, but he would also hate Kyoya if he ever knew he was in love with him.

‘God’, Kyoya wishes, ‘I hope he never finds out’

Kyoya says the same to Honey senpai and all he hears is a sigh in return, “You’re very smart, Kyo-chan. But maybe not enough to see the happiness that is right in front of you.”

Maybe dismissing the words would’ve gotten Kyoya some extra hours of sleep at night, Honey senpai’s words and Mori senpai’s meaningful stare gives Kyoya hope, and being the son of a multimillionaire family, pointless hope is the only thing Kyoya can’t afford.

\- 

The universe decides to put Kyoya in his place when Tamaki’s lingering touches and confusing stares starts to bloom that hope even more. It all doesn’t last long, a nerdy girl, a broken vase and a hidden identity is all it takes and the host club acquires a brand new member. 

A girl with a nonchalant attitude, with a fear of thunder, a no fucks given demeanour towards Tamaki’s natural charisma, a soft genuine heart and Kyoya watches his best friend slowly fall deeper and deeper.

It’s hard to tell if it’s love or not, Kyoya has never been an expert in the matters of the heart but he’s also never seen Tamaki so intrigued by a girl before. The thought only increases the pain in his chest further and Kyoya decides it’s better to feign ignorance.

-

“You promised that we’ll only be doing our homework.” He sighs as he closes his calculus textbook after the umpteenth time of Tamaki begging him to listen to his new host cosplay idea.

(it’s something about marvel and superheroes winning the heart of every young maiden and Kyoya blames the twins.)

“and we will, Kyoya. But you know i’ll forget about this if i don’t tell you now.” Tamaki pouts, and sadly Kyoya is extremely weak for boys with over dramatic pouts and a brain that can’t hold short term information.

“Fine, knock yourself out.” he sighs as he lies down beside Tamaki and his breathe hitches slightly as Tamaki immediately starts carding his fingers through his hair. He hopes the way his breathe stutters isn’t too noticeable. 

Though the fingers playing with his hair make it hard for Kyoya to concentrate, he’s still able to grasp some details.

“So you’ll be captain america then? Is it the blond hair?” Kyoya mutters, trying to suppress his grin but Tamaki sees right through it and playfully narrows his eyes.

“I can see that you’re not taking me seriously but it’ll be nice! you can be iron man or-“ Tamaki cuts himself off and Kyoya wonders if his hair massage high is making him imagine the blush on Tamaki’s face.

“or?”

“or peggy carter, just because she’s smart, smart like you” he tugs at Kyoya’s hair lightly to make him look up at him. There’s something in Tamaki’s eyes when he looks at Kyoya, as if he’s looking for a sign. Kyoya is too busy thanking god that he didn’t moan out loud from the feeling to decipher the look. 

“so i can be your frenemy or a potential love interest?” the thought of the latter is enough to make Kyoya flush and it’s so so pathetic. 

“N-not love interest, just a partner in crime.” Tamaki corrects him hurriedly, his hands no longer where Kyoya wants them to be and he would be lying if he said the action and words don’t sting, is tamaki really that repulsed with the idea? Kyoya watches as Tamaki starts to pick the skin around his thumb, it’s a nervous tick he’s learned from him.

it’s funny how when they first met Tamaki used to scold Kyoya for hurting his pretty fingers. It seems there are some habits you naturally pick up when you’re around someone so much. 

Maybe if he loves Tamaki desperately enough Tamaki will start loving him too.

But it’s all wrong because even the thought of them being together makes Tamaki uncomfortable, Kyoya wishes they never started this topic as he makes an excuse and packs up to leave.

He turns around to pick up his phone when he feels Tamaki grasp his hand, “kyoya..it’s...i mean-“ Tamaki groans in frustration and all Kyoya can do is smile sadly.

“It’s fine, i know.” and he leaves.

The nights Kyoya spent with Tamaki were filled with many rights and one wrong.

Fingers fluttering through his hair, a right.

Brainstorming different club ideas together, a right.

Laughing at pointless jokes and throwing harmless and playful insults, another right.

Being in love with your best friend and causing them distress? so so wrong.

-

Kyoya never gave dating much thought, he’s always been taught that being with someone would likely lead to marriage and better investments for the family. So, Tamaki asking him what he thought of relationships was really a question Kyoya hadn’t studied beforehand for.

“you mean....being in love?” Kyoya asks hesitantly, right now the veins on the back of his hand seemed so much more interesting than Tamaki’s face, he really hated the way his face flushed.

“No, not really, i meant just casual dating? nothing serious.”

Of course, casual dating, Kyoya felt so embarrassed. He didn’t know how to reply to that because he’s never thought about that topic much at all. In terms of romance, daydreaming about a certain blond is all he’s ever known.

“I don’t care much for it.” Kyoya tried to keep his voice as casual as possible hoping Tamaki just takes it as his regular aloofness towards most topics the host club members brought up. He waited for a reply but nothing came.

“what do you think about it? Is there someone you want to date?” He asked and wondered if he enjoyed hurting himself. 

Tamaki just sighed softly and looked towards the noise coming from Hikaru and Kaoru trying to play dress-up with Haruhi again. Kyoya wondered if it was the noise or Haruhi’s presence that attracted his attention.

“I do have someone i want to date but i don’t know if they’re ready to date me, yet.” Tamaki chuckled lightly and while Kyoya’s heart felt like it was caving in itself, all he could really think about was, how foolish. Who in their right mind would miss an opportunity to date someone like Tamaki? Who would let go of such a blessing just because they aren’t ready?

“I think anyone would be really lucky to date you, Tamaki.” Kyoya whispered hoarsely. He looked up when he felt Tamaki place a hand above his own. Kyoya couldn’t describe the look in his eyes but it was rare that Tamaki looked so intensely at him.

“I would be really really lucky to date them too, Kyoya.”

-  
Kyoya hates rainy nights.

He likes to walk home sometimes, it helps clear his head of all the gibberish the club and customers stuff into it throughout the day. He also loves the solitude and silence that’s hard to come by even when he’s alone at home. What Kyoya doesn’t like is rain and with the way it’s pouring outside, the weather is surely far far away from calming down anytime soon. He thinks about calling his driver as he packs up his books, he’s stayed late hoping that the clouds will clear out. In hindsight, Kyoya should’ve know that nothing goes the way he wants to.

He picks up his phone but the realisation that his father would be home early today makes him hesitate. The last thing he wants is spending more time around his father, the day has already been hectic enough, he just wants to have a quiet dinner alone. 

He’s still contemplating when he hears the classroom door open. It’s already late evening so the last thing he expects is anyone to stay behind, let alone the last person being Tamaki. 

“What are you doing here so late?” Kyoya whispers as Tamaki walks towards him. He wonders why he’s whispering, why Tamaki is standing so close to him, why the atmosphere feels so weird.

Maybe it’s the rain.

“Of course, i’m here to rescue you, sweetheart.” Tamaki winks as he whispers back. His eyes are twinkling as he smirks down at him and if Kyoya suddenly finds it too hot under his collar and too hard to breathe then it’s no one’s business. 

“Q-quit it” Kyoya stutters as he tries to back away but the desk behind him prevents him from doing so. Tamaki is standing close enough that he can feels his breathe tickling his face. Kyoya uses all of his willpower to not stare directly at his lips.

“Fuyumi called and told me your dad will be home today so i thought it’ll be better if you spent the night at mine.” Tamaki explains as he intertwines his fingers with Kyoya and pulls him towards the door.“So technically, i am rescuing you.”

Kyoya remembers the conversation he had with his sister yesterday. She calls every week to check up on him and every week he tries to put up a brave front to act like everything is fine and still every call ends up with him having exposed every detail of his taxing week. Women truly have strange powers.

Perhaps he should be angrier at her for telling Tamaki everything, but he can feel the gentle brush of Tamaki’s palms against his own as he tightens the grip on his hand and everything else in the world seems a little less important than this. 

“You don’t have to do this, I’m not a little kid. I think i can endure one dinner with him.” Kyoya pulls at their clasped hands to stop Tamaki just as they’re about to reach the car. Even though he hates the thought of sitting at a suffocating dinner table with only the clinks of his fork to keep him sane, He hates the thought of being a burden to Tamaki even more.

“Of course, you can. You’re like the bravest person i know” Tamaki answers slowly as if to make sure Kyoya catches on to every word. His eyes soften as he cups his cheek. Kyoya wonders if Tamaki eyes have always been this gentle or if he just never had the guts to look directly at them the way he’s doing right now. “But would it hurt to rely on me once in a while?”

“I-I...I don’t....” Kyoya stutters to come up with an excuse. It’s just one more night to add to the countless empty meals he has shared with his family and if he calls his driver right now maybe he’ll make it in time. It might please his father and save him from another one of his violent outburst in the future. It hits him that it’s not that he’s out of excuses to give but the fact that he doesn’t want to, he wants to be beside Tamaki, nowhere else. So he just nods and places his hand over Tamaki’s.

“Fine, take me home.” The smile that Tamaki gives him is another treasure that Kyoya locks away in his heart. 

Home isn’t raising voices and stinging cheeks. It’s Antoinette barking happily as soon as they enter through the door, It’s Tamaki forcing him to eat an entire week’s worth of dinner because apparently ‘he’s lost too much weight’, it’s warm covers and Tamaki’s soft snores beside him lulling him to sleep. 

Kyoya decides that maybe he doesn’t hate rainy nights that much after all. 

-

Days where everything will go particularly well always made Kyoya wonder if he’s started to glide too freely on ice which was way too thin to hold him upright if all things nice came tumbling down to crush him from inside out. He also wondered on those days when has experiencing small moments of happiness become such a burden, when has he started to only think about the things that will go wrong and never the things that might be going right? 

Honey senpai had never been wrong before, and maybe it’s true that Kyoya perhaps focuses so much on being a pessimistic bitch that he makes up scenarios and relationships to hurt himself. He wonders if his self deprecation has truly degraded his brain like his sister feared it would. 

“Y-you’re dating who?!”

“Akira Keiji, i think i introduced you to her during the new year’s ball?” Haruhi sighs and looked up at him in confusion. They’ve been talking about their dates to the dinner party at the Hitachiin residence the coming weekend and Kyoya had never looked stupider as he almost spewed out his tea when haruhi mentions her plus one being her girlfriend.

“You’re into girls?!?”

Haruhi just continued to look at him in disbelief, as did half of the club too. It was obvious to be shocked when the most serious member of the club was acting as if he’s never heard of same sex attraction before. Kyoya could see Honey senpai hide his knowing smirk behind usa-chan.

Akira keiji was one of Haruhi’s regular customers. Now that Kyoya thinks about it she had requested her quite a lot in the past few months. Apparently, they’ve gotten close enough that Akira not only figured out that Haruhi was a girl but they’ve also started dating.

Then what about Tamaki? is what Kyoya wonders but has enough sanity left not to blurt it out accidentally. From the look on Tamaki’s face as Haruhi goes absolutely heart eyes talking about her girlfriend Kyoya has been very wrong in his assumptions. There is not even a hint of jealousy or remorse in Tamaki’s eyes and he doesn’t seem to be heartbroken or new to this news either. 

They’re sitting in music room #3 alone after a hectic day of club activities when Kyoya asks “Did you know?”

“Know what?”

“That Haruhi was into girls? or that she was dating someone?”

“Of course i did.” Tamaki gets up to pour himself another cup of tea and takes a seat beside Kyoya on the couch. “What kind of father would i be if i didn’t know even that much?”

Then what about the affectionate eyes? the soft smiles? the gaze that always seemed to wander towards her at odd times? Has Kyoya been so blinded and hurt by his one sided love that he has mistaken simple friendly (fatherly?) affection as something more than it was? as infatuation? 

“Shouldn’t mommy know these things too?” Kyoya startles as he feels Tamaki lean in to whisper. The day has already been embarrassing and shameful enough, Kyoya prides himself in knowing anything and everything when it comes to things related to the host club and now he can only watch from afar as his traitorous feelings betray him yet again. Tamaki sitting too close for comfort and whispering directly against his ear doesn’t help either. 

“I-i just thought you liked her” He blurts out in distress without thinking. His breathe hitches as he feels Tamaki still and then lean in closer.

“i know, Kyoya. I’ve just been waiting for you to see the light.” Tamaki eyes seem to be daring him to look away. “I wanted to confess a long time ago but i also wanted you to come in term with these feelings first.”

what

what

confess?

“Don’t look at me like that. I do love you, very very much in fact.” Kyoya thinks that it’s one of those restless dreams again. When he goes to sleep exhausted beyond belief and leaves his conscience unguarded enough to dream freely about these fantasies. “And for the record. No, you’re not dreaming.”

okay so maybe not that.

“you like me?”

“yes, i do.” Tamaki’s cheshire cat grin is going to split his face open and Kyoya refuses to pay for surgery. “And i’m aware you like me too”

“no, i don’t.” He’s certain the the blush has broken past the barrier of his cheeks and has covered his entire body. “pfft, why would i like you.”

He’s lying straight through his teeth. It’s a futile effort, won’t even work on a stranger and this is his best friend he’s talking to. The clock seems to be ticking too fast, the curtains are rustling too much against the open window, the low hum of the antique ceiling fan only irks him more. He’s hyper aware of every single detail in the room and he’s all the more aware of the soft look in Tamaki’s eyes as he grins at him.

“I love you, Ootori Kyoya. I’ve loved you for years and i’ve been aware for a while that you might love me too.”

He does, god knows he does. “was i too obvious?”

“Not really, you seemed as blasé as you’ve always been.” That made Kyoya feel a bit better, he doesn’t know what he’ll do if he finds out that the twins have been aware too, a violence of some kind would be certain. Tamaki snorted as if he knew exactly what Kyoya was thinking and given the record he probably did. “But i’ve known and been in love with you for so, i think it was almost natural for me to notice a change in your behaviour.”

Kyoya wishes Tamaki would stop mentioning the word love so much. He’s used to running away from these feelings not acknowledging them. Maybe it is better that Tamaki confessed first because he can’t see himself doing the same even in his wildest dreams, even if he knew the elation and the joy this thing can bring. 

“I love you too.” He mummers without meaning to and the next thing he knows his back is against the couch and Tamaki’s lips are on his own.

His lips are soft, so soft. They caress against his own so gently and yet seem so persistent. All the daydreams about how it could be and nothing comes close the way Tamaki licks along his bottom lips after he has bitten them red, he can feel his smile widen against his own. They part because they’re smiling too much and it’s hard to keep kissing like this but Kyoya regrets nothing as he loops his arms around Tamaki’s neck and pulls his close to rest his forehead against his own.

The gentle whirling of the fan is still a background noise but all he can focus on is the way Tamaki peppers kisses across his cheek. He pulls him close for another kiss, pressing a little harder this time to cement this feeling in his mind. Tamaki is here in his arms, he loves him back and Kyoya’s chaotic world is still spinning on its axis but this time it feels more like a dance. 

Tamaki pulls away to whisper slowly. “Does this mean you’ll be my date to the dinner party?” Kyoya can only reply by connecting their lips again.

There are no wrongs in this night, only rights.

**Author's Note:**

> Kyoya might have seemed a lil ooc but this is very self indulgent and also how i imagine a love infected Kyoya Ootori will behave. 
> 
> Thank you for reading 💞 (also come find me on [twt](https://mobile.twitter.com/TSUKKKl) so we can cry over old ships together)


End file.
